I've read some of the #MeToo stories and been saddened and yet thankful I've never experienced anything like it. One day this week, it stopped raining and I took a long later afternoon/early evening stroll enjoying the warmer weather and lack of rain and lighter evenings. I chose my route to deliberately avoid a wooded tho busy path and a route back which would cross a campus likely to have people and security guards and good lighting.
Two lads were playing loud music in a nearby car park - they pulled away and one of them deliberately circled and blocked my path ahead of me. Being a teacher, I pulled a dramatic face. But for the first time I felt like I was about to be attacked. Thankfully his mate called him on and I could then see that they were just messing, just silly teenage lads trying to get a rise; but it was still intimadating and threatening.
I reported the incident to Student Services to get it passed onto campus Security - they've emailed back and have the incident on CCTV at a distance. I was advised to report it to the police, although it feels like a small thing and nothing happened. I think ticking the 'victim' box on the online police form and clicking through all those boxes has made me feel it more.
As a teacher, althought five foot one and a quarter and female, I'm used to using fast, confident purposeful power walking; teacher stare to spot danger, trusting gut instincts that tell me to cross the street and sheer force of strong personality to stomp the streets at night; although I feel the fear, I'm fairly fearless. Yet this has made me afraid. I don't want to do a late evening walk incase I bump into them again. I worried incase they followed me and know where I live; were they stalking or hunting me round the campus? It's reminded me of the occasional times of being hassled by teenage boys on a bus, of having men shout or whistle or beep me as I walk in the street, of dodging drunk guys from railway carriage to railway carriage or one particularly horrible man comment on the size of my chest as he passed me in the street. My body has always made me feel ashamed and I've always wanted to cover up - a burkha seemed a great thing, and it's only recently that I've come to terms with it.
At the moment I feel the fear and vulnerability of being a 'victim' - I feel the vulnerability of my being a non-driver and walking everywhere, mostly alone because friends don't live locally and are not easy to meet up with or see. And I'm tired of it - walking alone, sitting alone, travelling alone, being alone, having a few people treat me as though I'm odd or they can say what they want to about me; I'm feeling too the times male friends (not very often thankfully) let me walk home very late at night by myself; of the times a guy walking behind me has done the classic matching your step and pace - as you speed up, they speed up - let's jog! and the akwardness of having to ask and hassle friends for lifts, and the worry of getting into licenced taxis. But one good things for masks - they muzzle the city's creepy shouty men and keep them at a distance.
Nothing happened, but I'm changing my route and even the time I walk at. And I wonder how many others (men and women) who've experienced more than I've experiened - assault, rape, violence, stalking - are doing more than this - changing so much to avoid the worst or trying to expect the unexpected by altering all they do. Feeling more compassion today than I have before....
Follow up to this - Uni told me they had CCTV footage at a distance and said I should report it to the Police - it felt like I was time wasting as it was so trivial although aggressive and unpleasant and nothing happened. Reported online to the Police but CCTV is too indistinct so case closed. Again I'm reflecting on how much I've trivialised MeToo, partly because it wasn't my experience and partly because until it happened to me, I didn't understand. Why we can't be purely defined by our life experiences, I really don't want to be seen only as a walking, talking daughter of an alcoholic gambler and wife abuser, it really does make a difference and it does shape us and stay with us; healing takes time, and deep trauma deep time. Reflecting how if something bad had happened and the CCTV footage had been rubbish it would have taken out evidence and witnesses to bring a case, and how this whole process - the evidence, witnesses, statements, your word vs their word must really break someone who's been through trauma already. And how brave Rachel Denholler and others like her to experience and feel the trauma and yet to go through court cases to get justice. It has affected me though, not only do I repent my hardness of heart but I'm also aware that if CCTV is bad in that area, and two guys on bikes still appear to be hanging around that same car park, I don't want to take the risk of being near them incase their bait a lone walking woman on her Boris prescribed walk does turn nasty. I don't like doing this but it seems the only sensible course - partly cos I don't want to be baited if they think it's a fun game to do to a lone walking woman (and until things really change I will be lone walking for some time, majority of my friends live outside my locale, those that do live near are locked down with work and families and time poor, or of different levels of comfort in meeting with people or have health issues - I can't force people to guard me as I walk and I can't be limited to not walking because of one incident, small tho unplesant, in the grander scheme of things); and partly because there would be no evidence if I continue using this particular route. I tend to use my Boris sanctioned walks to break up screen time and the working day - given how mine and others schedules don't overlap well, I can't summon a walk bodyguard easily, bubbling hasn't been possible (it would probably result in even more screen time which I don't want) and I can't not go and wait until the weekend.
It is unfortunate that I'm surrounded by DIY-ing families with screeching small children - tho one family limits the screeching, the other two don't, and due to some of the DIY-ing I just don't get sun where I want it - it heads straight to the back fence and shed. Nice for the fence and shed roof, not so much for me.Whilst I'm grateful to have a garden, a cold, shadowy, mud patch of a lawn and a cold house are no fun when all around is glorious sunshine. I've never got a lot of sun apart from in full summer - but the DIYing has redirected the sun to where it isn't needed - my patio is fairly useless now apart from providing shade in high summer; bulbs are struggling to grow due to limited sunshine. Ditto eating outdoors. It also has been done, if I do go outside, to the sounds of high pitched screaming play and banging playhouse doors as siblings shut each other in and out and call across gardens to their friends, DIY and someone smoking or perhaps a stinky bonfire? And wearing noise reducing headphones. If I want sunshine and Vitamin D without the sound effects, I have to head out and therein lies the rub. Or whizz outside at 6am when there is chilly sunshine on the patio. I can't stay indoors all day with the windows shut and noise reducing headphones on when my neighbours are enjoying their gardens - tried discussing it in the past, but got nowhere really other than being heard. None of it is easy cos Lockdown and this one has been easier noise wise than the other two - but my recent experience makes walks around the local area much more tense and less enjoyable than they used to be - I don't feel safe, I want people around me (front and behind when I'm walking), I definitely check all doors are locked at home now and any lurking guys on bikes on campus make me feel suspicious. I feel watched and hunted, and anxious if I find myself walking visibly alone on a path. It forces me further afield though, as if I have time - I've found a safer walking space. These feelings will pass, but it is annoying to not be able to feel safe to use an obvious patch of sunny green space which is quieter than the heaving nearby parkland and with less chance of being hit by a ball or co-opted into a football game, run over by a bike or dog. But now, for safety, I go where the people are, in abundance, and pick my times and routes with caution.
To their credit the Uni campus security have given me a direct number so I could phone someone for help if it happened again and they've said they'll cover this area more, but at weekends and Fridays? Overall I think it's better to avoid entirely cos without CCTV it just feels too risky, unless it's earlier in the morning or lunchtime with lots of people coming and going and really weekdays, not weekends. And I wonder how many other women (and men) are thinking in this way - #MeToo
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