The infantalisation of certain sectors and traditions of the UK Church really concerns me. I cannot believe, if society is really as portrayed in much of Christian media, that I am the only Christian without family this Christmas or who finds Christmas and Christmas traditions really awkward at this time.
Trying to find anything I can fit into around Christmas is really challenging, if not impossible. In my local area, most churches follow University timetables, rushing through being busy busy, so that by the time Christmas actually arrives, all is done and dusted for the year, and a bit of a damp squid of an actual celebration on the day. I'd love a carol service, (especially a light and bright one - none of these plunged into gloom in black clothes for me please!) now as the days are so grey and dreak and the news so worrying, but they are all booked up or done and over. Carol services are last weeks news - not this, which is extraordinary given that this is Christmas week! Yet I don't want to act like Christmas isn't happening or important to me - it is an important Christian event we mark. Just it hurts and I don't know how to stop the season hurting when it's meant to be the most wonderful time of the year.
Nor as a woman do I want to fuss about with crafts to decorate my beautiful home or make others happy - I don't really get gingerbread houses (not being a gingerbready or sweet treats kind of person), or anything involving making. I do appreciate a Christmas wreath/garland or table decoration, but I have an artificial one to come out year after year. Not keen on the texture of Christmas pudding, Christmas cake or mince pies, so don't get me involved there!
More awkward for a childless, familyless person is that the Christmas Eve services are, and generally most events in the run up to Christmas, over-child centric. There are endless opportunities to dress up, depending on your denomination hold a lighted candle or stick improbable things in oranges to make a Christingle, to gather round the crib, to follow a trail and pet animals - and yet this focus on reaching children and families excludes an awful lot of people. Even Christmas Day is often taken up with children waving gifts and focused on reaching families, and yet did not Jesus come for us all? I'm not sure why we are making the frankly weird Christmas incarnation a kiddy friendly story? and why is adult faith or faith in later life so undervalued?
Given that my own family experiences of Christmas were pretty mixed, and even now the thought of family Christmas holds a lot of bad (tho healed) memories, I don't know what to do with myself at Christmas, or what to do with Christmas celebrations generally. I want to be with the church that says that it's my family but it's really hard to fit into this family given their data driven focus on the very young and well, really under 30s. I could book myself in for a Christmas meal with someone, but I don't like half of the traditional food and need to be careful what I eat due to my Cholesterol - it also feels (however kindly offered) unequal and a bit beholden poor relation, less a welcome invite and more a pity thing. I don't want to insult my potential hosts by saying please don't offer me all the cake, pies, chocolate and pudding, but I will eat your sprouts! There is a well-meaning gift, but given by people who don't really know what I'd like or haven't asked; there is the awkward watching of others unwrap many, many gifts (not that I'm jealous, but it's more a sign that I'm not part of the family and how family-centric Christmas is!) Given that my friends and I have diametrically opposed tastes when it comes to decor or anything, really I don't want stuff or really to be bought something I don't want or need, but truly an Ikea voucher or cash towards building renovation projects. To say this is awkward because it assumes that your hosts will buy you a gift, and navigating all this politeness becomes a bit much! Plus sometimes the hosts won't let you (the guest) buy them a gift, whilst you get given one unexpectedly! While it's good to be together, I've tried too making my own Christmas by having others over (literally the more the merrier by my ethos); but I find the fiddling about with multiples pans, timings and stodgy British delicacies exhausting, not to mention organising the entertainment and fun and directing everyone to the loo. People's GPS's seem to go haywire and a lot of time is spent fielding phone calls and doors to locate the lost! I love serving others on this day, but it doesn't resolve my Christmas dilemma overall. Emotionally it's difficult too when everyone is so happy, to instead want to grieve and mourn for the family Christmas that never was and never can be since both my parents are now dead; to find anyone I can honestly say to Christmas makes me feel sad, not happy. Christian churchy Christmas basically shows the haves and the have nots and separates them, when we should all be equally coming together. Ideally I probably want to go full Tudor and have 12 days of Christmas which allows for a day of mourning and loss as well as feasting blow outs!
Not one to blob about infront of screens normally, I find the British tradition of shopping too much, buying too much, eating too much and scurrying behind firmly closed doors and walls infront of screens for several days incomprehensible and much of what goes on in a typical British Christmas Day boring and unhealthy, or super competitive. Ideally I'd like to volunteer somewhere, but opportunities are pretty non-existent where I live (or if they do exist, very well hidden from Google searches - often you have to know someone who knows someone)....I've offered to chat or pray in a group I belong to if anyone needs it. But I'd like to be active and practical. Interpreting BJ's advice and Omnicron has been tricky - Boris has both said that Christmas is on, but also don't socialise with anyone you don't need to?!!!! I am reluctant to join an unknown family for Christmas just because - but as a super extrovert I find it hard to be without others around me. Last year was even worse, one day and then Lockdown - what was the point of coming or going together for one day if we were all so infectious as to require Lockdown?
In an ideal world, I'd go to church where everyone was made comfortable and welcome, not just child toting families on Christmas Day. I think I want to focus more on Christmas Eve than Christmas Day so a carol service, time of singing or prayer meeting would be great! I'd also volunteer somewhere like Jackson's Lane and give others a fun day without the onus on me to do and be everything! https://www.jacksonslane.org.uk/join-in/christmas-day/
An oddness too has been that since I got my own place, the friends that used to invite me for Christmas have stopped. I'm not sure how to flag up my need to spend some part of Christmas with others - maybe not the actual day, but something....Should I FB it or Twit it or Insta it or make a TikTok? I hoped I would have my own family around my own table by now, but that hasn't happened - I'm not sure how to keep flagging up my ongoing need to be part of someone else's family at certain times of the year? My friends also don't get it - ofcourse it is bleak and saddening watching everyone else have a merry family Christmas and me not - this choice is no choice at all, but I don't know what the other option is....It becomes wearisome to have to keep inviting myself somewhere, just because...The majority of my friends left the city in 2017-2019 - church is so stratified by age and status, that it's really hard to make friends beyond polite greetings and small talk about my job and it's the kind of place where people keep moving on. Those that are left are focused on their families/children. My friends generally seem to promote self-reliance; at Christmas, everyone goes away to their family, or with their family, or bunkers down between closed doors, behind walls. Due to my lack of family, my ongoing need for help with DIY, furniture assembly, inclusion at certain times in life seems to be seen as a nuisance and weakness to my friends, rather than how they can love me as a friend or that my life is just different from theirs. They all seem to be amazingly skilled at doing it all themselves (or in having family to help out). This impacts other things too - unless I buy myself something, I won't get a present or a treat. Unless I pay for the help, jobs around the house won't get done. Perhaps I am un-adult to expect or want my friends to help me, and maybe this is where I blur the line between family and friends - but Church, instead of talking so much about being my family, as my family, you could fill this gap! Similarly at New Year, friends with kids don't really celebrate or are bunkered away with family and select couple friends. I can't drive so getting anywhere safely over Christmas and New Year is a worry, even if I get an invite. Now, if I had a New Year party, I'm not sure who I'd invite given how buried away my friends are with their families/not children; not local so visiting or being away. Overall, it's become easier to do my own thing and I think, if I could, go away for actual Christmas too.
But New Year is also more equal - if Boris will allow me, there will be theatre, art galleries, going away, walks, maybe seeing friends if they feel comfortable and healthy to meet this year. I've decided to change my focus! I dread another Lockdown, but this miserable grey, gloomy weather and being in an ugly, trafficky suburb doesn't help. The lack of community, locally and wider, doesn't help - my neighbours are closed off (with their own families/children or in transitory multi-occupancy, rented homes); joining a local neighbourhood group made absolutely no difference at all. Beyond an occasional moan or initial greeting, my neighbours have remained intransigently separate during the Lockdowns - even clapping for the NHS in their back gardens, and exiting straight from front doors into cars and barricaded by walls and fences and plants, not even allowing for a greeting. The only time I encounter a neighbour is when they want something, so few and far between. Last year really hit me when I realised that most of my friends were in a different Tier, even city or country, and were often reluctant, if not legally unable, to meet physically. There wasn't anyone to bubble with. I had a big lack of community. Zooms and phone calls aren't always possible with small children around (nor with my, until recently, very noisy neighbours on all fronts). Plus COVID takes us all differently - I found playing on Zoom really difficult until about a year in to COVID times; I was happy to meet one on one, but not until recently in larger groups. At some point, I realised that the new normal was normal life for life and somehow I just needed to carry on trying to live my life. Friendship and fellowship wise I'm not sure what this looks like, particularly as Omnicron is on the attack. But I can't be without people, nor do I wish to spend my whole life squirreled away in my house. I need to stop trying to make myself small to the point of invisibility at this time of year and turn up, because by turning up, I make a difference.
In the future, when travel is possible, a winter sun holiday seems the best idea (again this is a problem because Christian tourism is all about the Alps and ski-ing at this time), or perhaps to somewhere like Rome where people crowd out onto the streets for Christmas and scream collectively for the joy of Christmas. I want to be somewhere more demonstrative - I want to stop the British version of Christmas I've been fed. Furthermore, I hold out a challenge to churches - though you are overworked, exhausted and tired, don't lose the Christmas focus by modelling University timetables. It's strange that when people are looking for community (Christmas, Easter and summer) that many churches pretty much shut down as everyone is away and everything stops. Even on Christmas Day, we come together and then go away to hide in our own homes. I find it odd this year that churches are meeting on Christmas Day but not Sunday - surely a prayer meeting or something?!!! On Christmas Eve doors of church buildings seemed to be firmly shut apart from in the late afternoon and evening. This feels like missed opportunities given the season and that everyone is out and about shopping.
For myself, I want to work out what Christmas looks like for me. I don't want to sound like a total humbug - I love lights, trees, decorations, sprouts, carols, mulled wine, pulling crackers and puns, parsnips, charades, glitzy sparkly Christmas cards and Christmas games. But the family (child) focus, lack of community and integration into family and social/cultural walls are all problems, and I can't see how to navigate them easily apart from to not join in Christmas. I love a midnight service (C of E style - the words, the communion, all of it - with bells on!); but to go solo to one is the most uncomfortable thing because people are all with their families - there aren't the friends to go with because people are either: with their families or not going, due to being away with their families, or away, with their families. I feel pushed into solo Christmas due to lack of other options and generally being left to get on with it by my friends - part of it too is availability vs responsibility, we're in different cities or timezones, and having pushed so strongly for me to get my own place (any place!) my friends have really left me to it over the last year and a half since COVID started. Additionally, the hassle of travel at Christmas on public transport, Christmas colds/COVID/Omnicron and feeling like I need to be on best behaviour and be a helpful guest at Christmas makes staying with friends for Christmas exhausting, Again I don't want to have to lump loads of stuff back after Christmas. I've had to find my own support and encouragement - I also think that most of my friends have their own things going on or are introverts, so lack time or capacity for me. In myself I can no longer chase around after my friends and be as available as I used to be, which doesn't help the impasse. Sadly this is true of much of the Church where people like me aren't seen, just labelled as irrelevant or 'niche'.
New Year is easier to celebrate because there is more to do; it's easier to go solo to places and it's an equaliser. So Omnicron and BJ permitting, I look forward to a jaunt and some beautiful experiences. But Church take note of your adults and wider community - you could do better at reaching everyone at this time and not rushing Christmas.
Personally, for me, I'm going to try a new strategy and try following the older 12 Days of Christmas - this form seems to allow for a wider range of emotions and expressions than trad British Christmas Day. None of it is ideal, but might help me to balance the conflicting desires to hide away because I feel like I shouldn't turn up during this time to church as it's so focused on a couple of specific groups or turning up, but feeling really uncomfortable. Also hoping to manage the feeling that I need to justify myself by either being busy, busy, busy all the time, acting like Christmas is just a working day or not doing very much because I don't know what to do as a solo.
Something for churches and Christian people to take note of is just how hard it is for me and perhaps others to go solo to church services at Christmas. Christmas Day can be equally awkward and painful - I've been on Christmas Day to a church I've been attending for 7 years. I sat alone (even though I generally try to sit next to someone and turn and say hello), due to busyness.and the way seats were laid out. Everyone else was in groups or families and busy chatting - no-one spoke to me, no-one sat next to me until last minute, even people I knew walked past me without speaking (though I caught their eyes as they went past). It was miserable. Hasn't always been that bad, but because everyone tends to be away or in massive groups with their own families, and rushing about; it's easy as a solo to not be seen. People are perhaps rushing about busily, and also focused on visitors, not solos, especially if they're regulars. When people asked me what I was doing for Christmas and I was honest and said I had no plans, there were no last minute invites, just a polite 'that must be awkward', and that was it. I'm sure if I was full-time student age I wouldn't have been overlooked or uncared for like this - and again I had to book in and sign up to join in and given all the things I've outlined above, it becomes awkward. Physical church services shouldn't be something I want to avoid, I should want to go and meet, but Church you could make it easier. I am brightly coloured - not sure how you can't see me?!! Be better at seeing others, not just numbers...Often, especially at difficult times of the year, being in physical Church and around other Christians, can be a place of too many questions, clobbering with well-meant but hurtful comments and not enough love, acceptance, listening, encouragement - I really don't need more advice or to be told to do more (usually the opposite of what I'm trying to do at that time), but to be heard and seen for who I am and who I've been made to be in Jesus. Just the acknowledgement that life is hard would be amazing! Again I've had to find other places to be heard and seen, rather than being chipped away at emotionally and verbally. Not that I want to be unteachable or uncorrectable, but I just seem to want and say different things to the majority of Christians around me.
Forgot to play Christmas music this year so far - but so far joined a Nunkie MR James ghost story on YouTube, a Christmas Eve reflection with Phil Moore on Facebook Live and had some special food (though not traditional!) Not sure I'm up to the vulnerability of a Zoom with a church I've never been to before, so enjoying some Come and Sing With Me instead. Phew there is a YouTube as well as Zoom, and also Facebook Live options! As the first day of my 12 days of Christmas I'm going to be thinking about birth and incarnation today.
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