Reflections on 2020 Culture So Far...

Just sayin'... well having a moan really. Just 2020 is the best of times and the worst of times, and sometimes trying to do normal stuff in these times is hard and bombs. Today I tried to escape the cultural desert to another city; using public transport and cinema entry times requires more much strategic planning than before, and I'd left over an hour to get to my destination. All was well until as the train was about to depart, it didn't, then after some shuffling of time signal failure was announced, then fire on the line (further up), then signals were all go, only to, well, not go...And so time ticked on and we sat in the station. Knowing I had a window of entry time with non admission for late comers, plus a fifteen minute walk to the cinema, and in the end, as the train sat on I had to depart. There is delay relay thankfully as this was over half an hour with the cheery warning that even if the train did get moving there were other trains stacked up ahead on the line, so really anything could happen. And I just feel ...(TM Disney Pixar!)...

Whilst not my first or my last epic travel fail, it just feels more annoying and frustrating in COVID times, For me, there's the extra planning of using public transport - do you need to book a seat in advance, does the train/bus match with the cinema showing; what are the entry times; what do I need to take/what can I take? how much extra time do I need to allow incase the bus is full? (And half empty is the new full)...How half full (aka full) will the bus be at the time that I travel? Also getting back - is it possible? Is it rush hour? Am I allowing enough time for everything to be late? It was always like but this is more so... In addition too, there's the self motivation to get up and go on public transport when I seem to notice every cough and sneeze, everyone who doesn't distance, everyone who has issues with their mask covering their whole face. Why can't I focus on those wearing their masks and distancing correctly rather than noting those who want to walk through me or over me, and those exposed noses?!!

Why you may ask are you going to another city to the cinema any way, isn't NetFlix enough? I find the narrow, restricted 2020 COVID world hard and this is where the moan comes in. I shouldn't moan... I am not yet in an area with a hard Lockdown; I have a roof over my head; more than enough to eat and choice of what to eat; utilities; a garden; spaced off accommodation; finances and at the moment the ability to work from home; all the sanitiser, facial masking and wipes that I need; WIFI and gadgets; enough of a buffer to soundproof my home against ongoing noise and some antisocial noise incase of a second Lockdown. And yet I am not enthused by where I currently live, It could be worse but post Lockdown it feels dirty, noisy, polluted, ugly and lacking interesting things to do, culturally or in terms of walks - two theatres are closed and one cinema. I long for the offer of a time machine back to 2019 to make the most of travel, and to glut myself on all the arts and culture that I can before it's too late. We are rich here, despite the closures, there is another theatre and two other cinemas, but it's all horror at the moment and a lack of new. I long for new and interesting. This is what my almost destination offered - getting away, outside and just a change of location, literally a change of scene.

It feels very much that unless you're in a big city (at the right Tier) or somewhere scenic like the seaside or countryside, that life is suddenly very narrow, restricted and Dorothea like. I find myself kicking against it - unless I'm legally obliged to, I don't want a life without new and interesting things, without curiosity and learning and beauty, and so devoid of people. It feels like my current location hides its ugliness behind trees, but it doesn't have the epic parks of a big city - there's only so many times I can go round the green spaces it does have. But it does have green spaces and I should show gratitude. I also have a garden but this has become problematic to use - my next door neighbours have DIY'd outside and in solidly for Lockdown, beyond the easing and into the autumn more sporadically, The dust, drilling, paint fumes, BBQs it turns out make me cough and make ventilating the house problematic. Also due to a redesign of their garden, the sun I did get has been redirected and though the garden is lighter, I no longer get the sun on my patio for such a time or really where I want it, enough to sit in now. My neighbours are also much closer to me than they were before so I hear them more. My mudbath winter garden is hard to use, tho nice to look at. Unless I perch on the back fence, Vitamin D needs to sought somewhere else - thankfully there is a close by venue, and I know that my garden doesn't get much sunlight in the winter, but not it seems it gets less.

Noise is another issue - during Lockdown, DIY, play dates, screamy kids on 2 sides, and a garage gym, not to mention the party house, the overspill party in the car park of a pub and on and on. And no getting away from it. Now it seems the DIY has rendered adjoining walls really thin as I hear my neighbours and two downstairs rooms are hard to use, as is the garden when the outside play dates happen. Whilst during Lockdown, all the lost extras of Fast and Furious movies circuited round and round the streets, dramatically pulling away from junctions; now it appears everyone has bee pimping their rides, with louder sound-systems all the better to share and really heavy engines/suspension. The pub car park has a security light which these newly mint cars parking in full headlights, music going, engines rumbling at odd hours of the night keep tripping and due to the new improved garden of my neighbours, my bedroom floods with light. During the easing of Lockdown, it was several times a night every night; now it seems to be once a week; this week I am grumpy because three times. Not sure if it is the pub light tho, so need to check, but don't want to go full Liam Neeson and storm around the block at 1am, 3am... which is a problem, and it's hard to tell really. Could be someone parking up nearby that trips or anything really... Part of it is adjusting to a more traffic world (tho others have said the area is quiet still), I am much more sensitive to noise than I was before, crave silence like I've never ever done before, and sense the rumbling of approaching vehicles. Also things have changed - rather than screamy groups of humans, it is now a car based world and instead of passing screaming humans waking me up, it is the car. But some acoustic glass, soundproofing some interior walls and applying a blackout blind underneath the blackout curtains (so ironic) will hopefully reduce a lot of it. And you ask, wouldn't learning to drive solve all of this?

In myself, maybe - certainly more flexibility and freedom and maybe safer travel.. And yet, just like the disposable masks tossed down on the street and in gutters, ditto the wipes, I feel that transport should work as well here as it does in London for the good of all and the environment and that driving stands against that; that I should be able to travel efficiently and safely on public transport rather than becoming a driver. Thinking about it as there are less pollutive cars and another issue of COVID, is that unless someone becomes my carer or Mr Darcy of choice, I can't take up an offer of a lift according to government regulations.

So just feeling it all at the moment, the new denied (derailed ha ha!) the car world we live in now, the smallness and narrowness and wondering when this will end, what normal will ever really look like and how much tighter, smaller, restricted is the world going to end up? I shouldn't moan because I have access to wonderful online things - all the theatre, interesting Royal Institute lectures, Royal Opera you could want and as long as the savings last, so it will continue. I am worried about how the house continues to eat necessary funds - my shower seems to be indignant at not being revamped as the dying boiler was and is only offering tepid as an option at the moment. I'm ignoring it as bathroom revamp is being saved for, not an immediate now thing. But I miss people...

Meeting with people is tricky - most of my friends it turns out live outside the city or even in different nations; those who are in the city may number 6 before guests are even considered; others are in different stages of comfort with meeting others; others still are vulnerable even if they don't like that term. Some are all of the above and more. Online church has been a blessing but I've found myself in tears today at the thought of not seeing my church aunties and uncles in London for years, apart from on YouTube church twice a week and through their lovely expressive emojis and comments. During this time I've realised that I need people, What to do about is a different matter... I freak out at the thought of mixing in a six of multiple households. Zoom makes me hyper vigilant and on top of new super sonic hearing; seeing every detail is too much, even if it is wonderful art or fashion in the background. Similarly, I freak out at the thought of returning to a large church with lots of 17-21s, because of the elephant in the room, COVID and students. Tho, this may be more to do with accommodation and squashing lots of people together. I'm aware of my own rubbish immune system in the winter and tho church physically is super regulated, doing all it can, and I don't want to be prejudiced about a particular age group, even had the Flu jab this year; I am reluctant to go among so many, even distanced in a mask with temperature checks and sanitiser. However, online isn't the same and as this new normal could indeed be normal for a couple of years, what to do next? Moreover, I'd read the IGen book and really taken on board its messages, having done screen heavy jobs for years - pre-COVID, all my screen time had been gutted and I've struggled to come back to a screen heavy world, with its resultant headaches and bad eyesight. I even struggle with apps at the moment - I don't feel the need to curate my life at the moment in a Pandemic so much, tho I'm happy for others to do so. Apart from useful things like seeing pictures of beautiful cityscapes, music, cookery, fashion and shoes and accessing lectures and curator unboxing; I'm anti-socially media at the moment.

In all, it's all very problematic. During Lockdown my main desire was for people, people, people - now I'm unsure of groups, how many and germs. It's hard to plan anything - although the garage gym have apologised (which I appreciated) and stopped, and I'm able to put some things in place; in truth I don't like my location, this city, and would like to move and downsize. But this is maybe not a great idea with recession potentially coming and house prices dropping; I need to get my investment back. It's also knowing where to move - I long to be somewhere with better views and walks and low COVID rates, but also somewhere where I can teach and be creative; at the same time I hanker after a bigger city experience. It's a wider thing too - how do you make friends or even date if everyone is on a screen or at a distance, behind a mask. Along with the Mr Darcy qualities such as kindness to children and animals and gsoh, do you suddenly start assessing a would like to meet with the type of mask they wear; how often they sanitise their hands; how they dispose of their masks and the distance they keep; their Zoom background? The speed of their WIFI? Are they hoarding flour or some other desirable commodity you lack?

As a super extrovert and uber people person, this strange new world and my reaction to it has shocked me and it's an ongoing shock. It still doesn't feel real some of the time - surely the Rock will turn up in a moment, kick bottom and sort everything out for the good with a jokey quip to camera (deadpan style) at the end? I grieve in my moaning knowing that there are so many people who don't have what I have, the basics and beyond, and that I should appreciate more than I do. I grieve too for how our elders and others have been so badly treated in some cases during this time - I am seeking to be an elder befriender, Yet the friends offered so far have been between extremes - a true crime or crime novel enthusiast, (this part is a bit vague), or someone with vascular dementia where you have to repeat yourself a couple of times. Maybe I wasn't ready for the reality of the situation - in my mind, I'd copied the posters of the lonely widow or widower, was ready for a nice chat and when the rules relax, a cheery cup of tea and then to go again. Through London City Mission and Faith in Later Life and Age UK, I see that the situation is more complex than I imagined; to not believe the ad hype cos it's naive and that I need to buckle up as befriender. Neither of the choices felt quite right, I feel like I want something in between both of these - (I'm squeamish and a dear friend of mine died recently) -but it's made me think about being willing to go beyond your comfort zone. And there are other choices to be made post-winter - maybe getting some quotes for a house sale; seeing what happens in terms of local and national Lockdowns; and how I manage my desire to be with others versus my health, and how long I can go on with YouTube when it isn't enough. There are some tough choices to be made; especially as who knows how 2021 will turn out? Additionally, if I go smaller and less studenty in terms of church, how small is small and what if I can't be with my London aunties and uncles for years, what then? I miss holding hands to pray, the hugs, the accents when they sing, the expressive worship and praise (and yet seeing the variety); the work it out for yourself when church starts and where the tea and coffee are, Do I say, love you guys, but need more and go elsewhere for the medium-term until such a time as the aunties and uncles are able to physically gather again - or is this a lack of commitment and should I stay on YouTube to be faithful?

Grateful I am, tho I don't show it, that currently I can teach face to face; that there are people and income! I think we'll become a Forest School if the Lockdown gets harder here. Also grateful for the Come and Sing With Me Community - tho online, it makes such a difference to see a person singing and see the comments and the number counter and know that you're not alone; to be able to use my words and my voice for good too. Additionally, individual friends popping over or contacting me - tho I've heard that random phone calls are a happy thing these days (or video conference!) everyone I know seems so busy, so hunkered down in themselves and their lives, their families, their work, their church. And I've run out of energy online to chase after people and reach out, beyond a bit of blogging and trying to use my art to bring positivity at this time. It's a bigger thing too - one physical person for me is ok (or 1.5 - 1 adult, 2 children!) - a mixing group of six with coffee being served or BYO - too much! This shocks me cos before COVID I loved nothing more than sitting down next to someone I didn't know and chatting to them - I've always found groups a bit noisy, but it depends on the group. Generally, the more people, the better! Everything I did was in a physical group of some kind from church to concerts and gigs, ballet classes and Pilates, even volunteering - now groups are too much, and I don't know how to get over it. I feel in writing this that I'm going to get a whoosh of advice and to do's - my life list is long enough already thanks, tho wisdom always appreciated. And if I'm honest, I'm not sure that more to do or think about or read is what I'm looking for - more cheerleaders, race runners - people who are there alongside, cheering me on as I cheer them on and affirm my keeping going more than the many things I can't change right now.

But I do need to watch my words and my tone/tongue so perhaps the to do's are needed! But this is my truth right now - please hear it! I've never been a ten year planner as I guess I've never had the luxury of ten year plan money so much in life, and life has never been clear; it's always been a struggle and a battle, in the good and bad things. Train disaster and cinema missing again reminds me to consider how to you do COVID and Lockdown when you don't like your location or it's problematic; what does being a people person at this time look like and how do you make the best of these times? Elder befriending is much more than I'd thought about, but still so worthwhile, just I need to get ready and buckle up. What does fellowship look like - is it seeking something physically meeting in a building at a distance or is it online, or is it both? Blessed beyond to be a part of Dr John M Perkins online Bible study and learning from a 90 year old! and to have access to online church, but in my spirit, I know that church is so much more than just the turning up and doing, it's the being, and what do you do now when you can't be with the ones you love. As the song said, love the ones you're with - well what does that look like, here and now? What does being faithful and useful look like day by day right now?

The frustration of all this has manifested itself in another way. During Lockdown and its easing, I PE'd with Joe and did a lot of online dance classes, and the exercise was great for managing mood, emotions and weight loss too. Now my body and my emotions are being stubborn - we want to sit and eat chocolate all day; the lack of interesting places to walk to or do pointless walks just to get moving has been hard. Or even purpose, I was out and about before - my location was more of a landing base than somewhere I stayed in a lot. There seems, for me, less to do and less places to go to - though still plenty online. Maybe its the weather too (a lot of rain), but I struggle to get moving and do another Joe. I've decided the way forward is to do more exercise whether I want to or not, as it helps with mood and try to focus less on the weight loss and toning up. It may also mean having a day set aside when I do online dance as something different. I've done all the PE with Joe's including the extras twice now - maybe it's time to reframe in terms of mood lifting rather than weight control. Another surprise has been my reluctance to return to live classes - partly public transport in the winter, partly my immune system and partly the social distancing takes away the social aspect if you go solo. Additionally, it may mean changing my interests and hobbies to such things as bird watching, bus number spotting, ambulance counting or a distanced racket sport with people who are patient....

Such thoughts are too big for me to untie straight away, but something to pray through and muddle through! Off to binge on Wigmore Hall live concerts as a cheer up with all these things sloshing around! And it did, Igor Levit's Beethoven =) and exquisite Tai Murray - precision playing and phrasing! The Leonore Quartet; beautiful Bach with Angela Hewitt; a silly song about an oyster by Cole Porter sung by Gerald Finley.

P.S. Please hear me not as unwilling to do what is necessary to protect those from getting this horrid virus, but life is weird now and it's changed, and I wonder if this is it now or if it will, indeed, at some point change back...

At the same time, I've been buzzed by a big dragonfly and seen a plethora of fuzzy bees in the daisy-ish things and a watchful Robin; all reminders that God isn't alseep or off the case....