For my discussion here, I will, sadly, be focusing on my negative experiences in churches and not on the many kindnesses and good things I've experienced to focus on ageism and categorisation, its hidden impact and why it needs to stop.
Tho it's fashionable to say so, I have (perhaps since 2014) been deconstructing my faith and myself. And I can no longer live under the labels and stereotypes much of the Church heaps on me, but I don't want to exit the Church either - I do genuinely want to belong and serve, to be in community, to be fully seen and known and not just make polite small talk about my job and next holiday.
But the community much of the white British Church produces is focused on dividing people up by age and life stage to the point where we resemble, not so much as a family as a business, and quite a heavily gendered one at that - one where men make fire and do slightly dangerous things involving burning food, and women are encouraged to fuss about beautifying their homes and producing things for others. Well, I want to make fire!
Whilst there is scope for movement, it appears only 18-30s women have lives, brains or faith or do stuff worth investing in. After 30, unless you are married (preferably with multiple children) and in some places, home schooling, life stops it appears, you no longer have emotions, desires, thoughts or feelings, or even a brain or life; (you are perfected and sorted?!!!) and only become viable again when you hit 60 and become an instant purveyor of all wisdom.
Whilst this may sound bitter and sarcastic, as someone who has been called 'a 30s-40s singles niche' directly by my own church leader (only 5 years older than me) and the way that same leader talks about themselves as though at 50 something they are ancient and redundant from the front to the people - there is a hidden but big ageism problem in the Church. This is also linked to gender. Were I an unmarried 40 something man I would clearly and easily be scooped into a family, perhaps into many families, because of the stereotype of not being seen to cope with solo living; of being a church leader or within church leadership purely by the opportunities of being born a man, and just the pure novelty of being an unmarried, living Christian male (with a pulse!) Though I snark, I'm sure there are stereotypes too - being regarded as weird because you are an unmarried 40 something man or worse, a danger to women and children, by virtue of that same solo status (not to mention predatory Christian women on the hunt because all they can see is your status, not you). Somehow, due to being a solo woman, I am deemed to be coping (and apart from many Church members and people who don't even know me in Christian settings being very keen to pronounce me single etc or speaking crashingly into my life/situation - they must keep hearing my name wrongly - it really isn't single), and if I'm not, well best go somewhere else.
Ageism extends to the wider treatment of elders in the Church - they are either a pain or inconvenience (too many of them clogging up the pews and not enough young people, and who keep the Church from moving forward, and can't contribute anything to the Church's great leap forward), or under the pressure of being wise at all times. In the chase for full time University students and families with children, we overlook everyone else and turn them into second class members whose lives are less worthy of a preach or a training session. (Unless they are worship leaders/married couples/musicians/leaders - male of female - delete as appropriate for your setting). We wilfully ignore Further Education and Sixth Form College students; anyone over 30 and definitely those over 40+; relegate the skills and ongoing need for discipleship of elders to the past, not the present; forget about part-time or mature students (or those visiting scholars with families and partners, also PhD students who may be juggling both family life and studies, and distance learners), and for some reason give all the good, life application stuff to those aged 18-30, whilst saving the money talks for those over 30, left behind. It seems anyone over 30 exists to feed. 'host' and pay for the 18-30s.
And well, it needs to stop. Part of my deconstruction has not only been learning how to be a woman of God at this life stage (really lacking peers or role models to show me how to do it and making it up as I go along, and ignoring the doleful books and websites aimed at 'singles,' (whoever they are). Female Sam Allberry role is not for me! Furthermore God's given me a mouth and a brain, and I not only need to curb them, but to use them - such as speaking positively on social media as I can. Much of independent middle class reformed evangelicalism seems to be on the retreat from modern society and culture - not sure how we're going to engage with the meta verse, and really only reaching our own - people like us, our friends. I can't help about be curious and think about things - it's who I am. Sadly in the churches I've been apart of there has been limited places and space for thinking 40 plus women - instead I'm expected to sit quietly in the corner, sit back and watch the 'young' folks live their lives. But 40somethings have issues too and active lives, and need to be discipled. I'm longing for an open door to do missioning things somewhere in the UK where there's a lack of churches or friendly Christians, and I love a big city; but in the interim I can only do what I can do and make the most of every opportunity. I can't deal any longer with a) being labelled single (this is what I feel the Church wants me to be - living outside without them, cos there is no place for me as I am) and b) being defined by what I do - I'm so much more than my job or my next entitled holiday or my jumping photo in the countryside or privileged shot in a spacious home and garden, all subject to COVID regulations. I feel like I could be getting up to anything in my own life, because so long as I turn up on Sundays (twice) and go to the pub after evening Sunday service, get busy on the rotas, go to all the right mid-week meetings, somehow manage a full time job around women's meetings which are mostly during the day, and make all the right noises, plus giving; it's seen to be enough because my life is so together and sorted.
Yet there are so many things that many people in the Church are not discussing about being 40 something - especially as the few 40 something articles there are out there are always illustrated by an elder on a porch! These are (IMHO) that the average age of people experiencing homelessness is 40 something (what is happening to our generation, our peers to cause this?) of perhaps having children at home longer due to low wages and higher rents; that life doesn't end at 30 but goes on and on; physical and health challenges such as Menopause, Cholesterol, all kinds of body and health failures and challenges; that you have to exercise harder (indeed have to exercise) and that the cake/pastry focused culture of middle class churches doesn't help this; of redundancy, furloughs, hard work; of new opportunities (such as starting your own business or changing career or moving cities/countries); the thorny question of how do you date and get married at 40,50, 60,70, as well as other challenges such as changes in marriage and family relationships. And really how do you live now, in such as COVID time as this?
In short, the segmented, exclusive, ageist, labelling Church does little to address these things - it's a great shame that I'm having to look outside my local church to find answers and places to think and be. It's not so much that there isn't room at the table, as that there just isn't a table, let alone a space to pull up a chair (and ha ha, there isn't a chair!) It's not so much about people moving over to make room as infact there just isn't room - I haven't been thought about in the planning of local church cos niche and special missions, and yet didn't Jesus come for everyone to make a big, diverse. inclusive, new family?
In all my questioning and searching, and just not fitting in, I have found a place where I am loved, affirmed, just seen for myself - unfortunately it really isn't local nor can I go there every week due to travel costs. How deeply refreshing it's been to not be asked about my job (or the trick question what does your week ahead look like - i,e. tell us about your job, again), and to be commended for being myself, as well as being challenged and exhorted. Moreover to be able to talk to anyone freely without doing five minute networking chats (where you buzz from one person to another, really feels like there should be canapes involved) and not get the serious faced looks like people have trodden in something nasty or that I shouldn't be speaking to them at all or the tumbleweeds that fly past in the silence when I make a joke. (I think only men are allowed to joke around in the church). After a hard week I can't be that serious about everything or unsmiling. At my non-local local church, most of the time I feel free to chat to anyone and if they don't want to chat, it's ok - wonderfully people are mostly pleased to see me! One of the Church aunties has even started discipling me via email and What's App. Not sure what the answer is as I'm currently on a reduced income and at some point going to have to suck it up and try physical local church; but although there are many churches here, I don't see where I fit in or belong. Whilst talking a lot about being family, for an unmarried 40 something, it's more like turning up, making small talk and going away again, until you do it all again the next week.
But it has to change - the Church has just realised that women are a thing - I can no longer wait for you to catch up to the 21st century and realise that 40s and 50s are a thing too. Got to live the life I've been given now! (not when the Church decides to allow me to live it as a thing). This is not me being puffed up - just got a three degree brain and need to use it - I am as made, therefore I think. I'm just not finding space for thinking women in the Church over the age of 30; if anything it's as if I'm expected to live as though life has passed me by and I've stopped; life is over, finished and sorted, I know what I'm doing, have the 10 year life/career plan mapped out and am kind of sitting around waiting to retire and die. Thankfully God still has purposes and plans for me!
As a super people person and extrovert, the culture of pushing some age groups over others (i.e. those worthy of marketing as opposed to those who are not) kills me - I can't be with the people who most likely resemble me in life style and outlook. Age peers - married couples and especially female friends with children are really hard to spend time with now. I work full time and only have school holidays off; as soon as children hit after school activities and my female friends return to work, it becomes really hard to see each other. At certain times of the year, my friends are buried away with their families and I'm not sure what to do with myself - it's hard to find people to go to the theatre, cinema, gigs or anything with. If I want to see something, I've had to get used to going solo. Even staying with friends, due to their own commitments and family circumstances, is becoming less and less possible. I used to do loads of inviting over - due to x2 furloughing and trying to run my own business alongside full time work, I can no longer work myself around my friends availability (or their husband's preferences). And women's events at church are... during the day (apart from a few meals which I'm personally not comfortable with going to in these COVID times as they take places in people's homes, though I'm going to have to overcome this one day soon).
So my deconstruction takeaway is - stop calling unmarried people single! What does this easy social shorthand even mean? If we're part of the family, treat us as such rather than lone islands or spiritual freaks of nature. See people, not walking statistics, and also don't lump people together - I would not want to go to an elder singles/senior singles/oap singles mingle/older sad singles or any other cringey name - however if I were offered the same opportunities for fun, friendship and discipleship as 18-20s then I would go. Nor do I really want to be a nun and hang out in all female environments! But I'm not, unless I do it myself - thankfully my not local church has been a huge blessing for my sanity (and place of restoration - I really thought there was something wrong with me, because I felt so uncomfortable, isolated, offensive and weird in local church), and lots of things online - Oakhill College, Serge, Crosslands, Dr John Perkins bible studies, Come and Sing With Me, Duncan Forbes Urban Ministries, Morphe Arts, 20Schemes, Jude 3 Project and much more. I don't want to get fat on ideas and thinking, nor do I really want to be a solo Christian - what I want to do is chat with others and apply it and move forward, sharing what I know in love, and being 'sharpened' by others. Really don't want to be reading pretty covered theology books for ladies about emotions and identity - whilst there is a place for these, I want to read the hardcore proper stuff with ugly brown or dark covers! and most of all the Bible.
I guess my plea is more for the everyday, ordinary Christian who isn't a Pastor or a Church leader but has a brain and likes to think and chat..and grow. Not to mention more room for creative and artistic Christians of all persuasions - if you aren't STEM, a musician, doing craft and making or stylised writing, well - get out! In all of this though it's really sad - both the Church local and I are losing out - we need each other, but I can't see how this works at the moment. I don't want to be a walking one issue Christian dragged up the front to give my two penn'oth IMHO on being an older single woman - whoever came up with older and younger as these heavy labels should stop.. And I haven't even mentioned yet that most of my male Christian peers are marrying women atleast ten years older themselves which (in a MeToo context) really needs questioning - why are we encouraging older men to marry much younger women? (Apart from the perceived ability to spit out multiple children). It is also far easier to older men to associate with younger women in the Church as they tend to be in leadership positions and again, we really need to start evaluating this...Christian cougars seem frowned upon, men not so much?!!! Where are my male peers - 40s-50s are generally missing from the church local - why is no one bothered about this or remotely concerned in the same way that we are about Gen Z or 18s-30s? My real big question is how am I supposed to live as a woman when my male (non-creepy, non-stalky) peers don't see me as a woman, (certainly not a desirable one), nor as a viable marriage partner and a lot of the time there aren't any male peers anyway. Either age gaps between partners need to be encouraged for both sexes or not at all, atleast not without some serious MeToo thinking first.
Even bigger biggies are the issues of divorce, bereavement and infertility - the longer time goes on the less likely I am to be able to spit out any children, let alone multiple ones. There is also the option that someone I do meet might be separated, divorced or bereaved (and I'm not sure how I feel about a couple of these options in light of Scripture). Moreover, if marriage is about children (potentially and ideally) does this make a later age marriage second best or not viable? Am I a non-viable marriage option purely due to my age and possibly reduced fertility? How can I be seen as a woman if the Church is so focused on women producing children (lots of them) and, in my discussion, I haven't even got to being a blended family yet (standing in as a parent/aunty/carer figure to someone else's children through marriage, fostering or adoption). Yet there's a big silence over these areas (first time marriage with lots of children is assumed as the best and only option), and again I ask - as an unmarried woman of forty something, how then should I live?
Whilst Millennials and Gen Z may be very sexy and marketing friendly, Gen X are hopelessly overlooked and not seen. Stop separating everyone up, instead start mixing everyone up - whilst students can meet students every day (in normal non-Lockdown situations) through CUs, Uni small groups and more, how often can they meet someone local to the area in their 40s, 50s, 60s or 70s? (In a normal, regular way - not a having a 'student over to lunch' way). If we truly believe that life is valuable, then we really need to put our actions alongside our vociferous protests and start valuing all life in the Church; this spreads into class and social/cultural diversity as well as age. The Church needs to start reflecting the diversity of the UK now and not just quoting Lewis and Tolkein as though they were the missing writers from the Bible (and film examples 10-20 years old).
To the great credit of many working class and non-white churches, they are engaging in the wider culture here and now - through offering young people skills; those experiencing job loss work place skills training, money management and job clubs; even cookery skills classes covering a range of ages, alongside Bible study and prayer. So middle class white churches we need to stop hiding away, inviting and evangelising just our friends (those who look and sound like us), see the wider community around us, see the so-called niche, the small groups, the missing, and put our prayers alongside our actions and hearts.
As you can see, my deconstruction is not there yet - still judgy and critical and insulting; but I hope (in time) with more heart and love (and more Jesus), that I will watch my words more carefully and that these experiences of not fitting in, of church often being a deeply uncomfortable, isolating and unsafe place where I cannot use my voice or be honest much of the time, will be used for the common good and will help me to love others, to listen well and to be super inclusive. But my wider prayer is that I would find somewhere I can have fellowship, where I can settle, where I can be seen for myself. I don't want a perfect church - I am not perfect - but I also don't want to be so insular, divided and age/status focused either, because this all seems to be missing the point of what Jesus came to do in reconciling us to Himself and uniting us to each other; (whilst I appreciate that there is a need for a place to ask questions amongst peers). If I'm honest, my local church makes me feel more encouraged not to go to a meeting than to go because I'm frankly taking up an 18-30s space, and if I do go, then I should be jolly busy being busy, talk about my job and show them the money! The fact that they need to say that everyone is welcome (by listing all the catergories) at a whole church lunch says it all - most of the time we are the church, separated and segregated. And it impacts our language, outlook and mission too - we start by talking about everyone, praying for the city and overtime become more and more insular and inward looking praying less and less for our city and leaders, and more and more for students and begin to divide people up into students, 20s, etc with special activities, Bible studies and status. I wouldn't mind if a 30s-50s and then 60+ group followed, but it doesn't - only 18-30s are special and worth notice, and well if this is the case, why not mix up the Church entirely? Otherwise you get 18-30s and then everyone else - is this really what church is? Not to mention the heinous sectioning off of 'internationals' (i.e. English classes), which doesn't always apply or relate...
My problem with the Church is that within local church where I am, my peers are missing - my life stage doesn't match my friends (in terms of marriage, married with kids or in how they're choosing to live out being unmarried, even what's important to most of us or how we choose to spend out free time) nor can I any longer live under the burdensome stereotypes and lack of expectation that local church has for me. Classic A type personality coming through here! I don't know what it's like to be a godly woman at this age because no-one is showing me (or modelling this to me), and local church is mostly teaching me that life stops at 30, so don't worry about any of that anyway - discipleship, even salvation, is just for the young; it's the young who matter. 40 something lives (especially those of the 'niche' unmarried) don't matter much it seems. But Jesus was niche - an unmarried 30 something man who didn't fit into the social expectations placed on Him. Wholeheartedly, I believe that Jesus teaches that everyone matters, life is precious and valuable at every life and stage; and as a Christian, the discipleship never stops. Shocking to believe, but we never retire...
The bigger thing is, that in segregating the local church like this, huge loneliness is created for some at the expense of others. Why would any of my studenty or 20 something friends really want to be friends with me or hang out with me when they have atleast 2 weekends away involving walks, fun, dress up, heaps of teaching and more; why would a 20 something want to talk to me when at a click of Instagram and FB they have a whole host of instant friends to easily to things with and a special bible study with a meal? The bible study group I can go to sounds deeply forbidding - whilst 20s emphasises food, fun and fellowship - mine vaguely mentions support (and support some more...) Not sure why support is so important here - I want fun, meals (in a COVID safe setting) and fellowship alongside the discipleship. How too are people qualified in being support givers - but atleast these days this midweek group appears on the official church promotions - over 35s groups never used to be worthy of mentioning at all, they just happened as a mainstay and non-extraordinary thing. All of this concerns me, how can I grow and develop when I don't exist in the local church setting and really nothing is expected of me or desired or anticipated for me? Expectations for students and 20s are super huge. For me, it doesn't matter how I live, it seems. Which concerns me....Having been told that the Church isn't a social club (which I agree, it really isn't), it appears for some...well socials and friendship are the order of the day, even actively encouraged or forced through compulsory fun times. So why one message for one age group and one message for another? Worse still I was a part-time mature student twice in a student focused church, which just made my situation even stranger because I couldn't go to student stuff either, cos age and part-time, not full time! I also think there's a bigger issue here of how we treat Post-grads; mature students; College age students and shift workers - at one crazy stage, I was working full time with evening and Saturday shifts, studying part time one evening a week, doing my GCSE Maths as a requirement of my course another night and doing a placement another evening a week, as another requirement of my course. Plus coursework! And yet someone at church said that they were sure that my part-time course was almost as good as studying full time, (well-meant but portraying a deep lack of understanding about non-full time students). And I realised how church timings don't really work around those on zero contracts, furloughs, unemployment or shift work, but assumes a) driving and b) 9-5 culture c) sometimes no paid work at all for women or certainly only part-time jobs; (yes I've been called a Career Girl before now! But who else was going to pay mu bills if not me? - see the Gospel of Single Ladies Living according to Beyonce...)
Additionally, my age or the thing my church makes of my age also becomes the elephant in the room when meeting others - it is deeply embarrassing when people say they've seen me around (and the implication is, i.e. not at 20s), and I can't bear to say over and over, I'm too old to be where you are). It's very arbitrary too - who decides 30 or 35 is too old?!!! I was 36 when I joined a local church focused on 20s to....35; I had to ask special permission to join a 20s Christmas party (but by the time I'd done that and got permission, the anxiety and stress it created in me caused me to not want to go. I was having panic attacks at the time when I went to church services at all so the stress of being the solo non-20 amongst 20-35s, even though friends were going and I knew friends there, was too much. I spent months, (a year and a half), throwing up every Sunday morning before church. I regret letting my panic get the better of me now - I should have seized the opportunity and gone anyway). Sadly, apart from friends, there was no one to tell about the ongoing panic attacks (no prayer groups after the service, no women leaders apart from for students and care groups weren't created until after my panic attacks had stopped. I still don't know why they stopped, but by God's grace and kindness, they did. Being asked to leave a church activity I didn't even know I was being assessed for, having been vociferously encouraged to come along and get involved, due to being a) too busy and b) my age and c) my nationality, amongst other trifling things, really hurt as I could neither change my age or status, and at that point the busyness was legit to getting a qualification to progress to a better and more interesting job. During this time, I was also criticised for not getting involved in church (I couldn't go to anything beyond Sunday service due to the year of crazy commitments), even though there was a 20s bible study taking place in my own home when I got back from studying which I couldn't join due to age (!) and possibly not being a formal member of the church, but mostly age! I found the 7 week membership courses difficult to join because of needing to start early to commute. I did ask for a prayer partner to work around my not being able to get to anything mid-week, but this involved meeting the Pastor's wife (no idea who they were at this time because they weren't visible in the Church community, atleast to me - I'd never met them, seen them or even spoken to them at this point) and the phrase 'see what we can do' put me off, (perhaps foolishly), as it sounded vague and empty, and like I'd asked to fly to the Moon. I gave up, all of this really put me off (plus being told that there was no-one here in a room full of people when 20s were away at a weekend away) - though prayer triplets and linking people up are now being promoted throughout the whole church, so maybe Lockdown has shifted the culture. Overall, the whole age thing at my church has really hurt me - even the focus of potential church traineeships more widely and across the board of churches is incredibly ageist as they are marketed as a gap year alternative, surely missing whole sectors of the population. I'm not sure they mean to be, but apparently 20s need to see themselves (and no-one else does?!!!!) Even prayer meetings at my local church were painful - again who to sit with and then people buzzing off straight away post-prayer to talk to their 'real' friends. It was very easy to end up being left alone, coming and going alone, standing alone, and the final straw was getting two prayer requests completely muddled - I asked for prayer for finding work (instead I got prayed for thanking God for my new job!) and when I asked for prayer for a grieving friend, the wrong parent was prayed for! It was embarrassing having to explain myself to friends and painful - when I experienced loss and bereavement myself, I just couldn't trust my local church with something that deep, in case they got it wrong, again. Indeed as it was done in public, it was a big ouch, though not done intentionally or deliberately. And that's the sad thing in all of this - all these little things were well meaning or not intentionally done with unkindness, but all add up to some really bad experiences.
For me, my experience of various local churches has often been of unsafe places of creepy, stalky men and unwanted pestering; a place where I can't say how I'm feeling honestly and openly (about my dysfunctional family and childhood; about stressful work situations; about the loneliness of being an unmarried vibrant woman in a place focused on certain age groups and lifestyles and with a very seemingly introverted majority); as a natural extrovert and joker, offending, being misunderstood or even worse not being seen, and not being able to speak because many people are too focused on not knowing what to say than just hearing me and giving space to be heard and seen. (There are only so many polite convos I can stomach about my job before I start screaming!) It made me so sad that people only wanted to know about my job, not me - Christian people too! Local church has also been a place where Christmas is really difficult for me - it's assumed to be a happy family time; for me it wasn't growing up and I'm still not sure how to deal with the season now, apart from to change my focus. Thankfully due to individuals and my amazing Church aunties, local church has also been a place of unconditional love, of feeling and being safe and like home, and enjoying being together and, goodness, of diversity and enjoying God and the Bible together; but not enough. Therefore I pray that 2022 will be a time of me blasting the labels and stereotypes heaped upon me purely because I'm this age and status, but in my pyromaniac spiritual deconstruction, also of finding a place to be me and fit in, finally; to stop withholding myself from local church because the current set up makes it easier to walk away and stay online than to keep going. (Apart from Lockdowns 1.0 and it's easing, because noisy neighbours made joining *live* online church really, really difficult).
For so many years I felt like I had to change myself to fit in with my local church - I tried to post the right things, read the right things, go to the right meetings, listen to the right podcasts, read the right articles, tried to fit in membership classes around next day 5am starts for commuting, be seen to be reading my Bible and having quiet times, tone myself down - laugh less loudly, make less jokes; style myself less brightly, to not speak out as I tend to challenge others; show more of an interest in science and musicals and sport; to use the right words; being seen and not heard; I tried serving lots (as being seen to get involved and doing and being seen to be doing was culturally important); I tried being seen (or rather not seen) to give in the right way and to be generous; I tried joining other churches 20-30s groups where they cared less about age and more about lifestyle; I invited, invited, invited; I guess I even tried to buy friendship by being generous and sponsoring others in important training and life stages, (although I am also no lover of money and wanted to help others). People were very grateful, but it didn't deepen the friendships and really I was just a donor, not a friend for some. None of it worked - it didn't make me 'righteous' in the local church; it didn't get me in with the in crowd - I still wasn't being invited to things that my friends were mostly because I wasn't part of 20s or friends with the movers and shakers in 20s, nor a church worker, nor married to a church worker. I couldn't bring myself to become a formal church member - I just didn't get why formal membership was such a big deal and the more it was explained, the more I didn't get it. I'm part of a church where my non-Christian friends won't go because all they see is my struggles and how business like it is - plus there is no place for them - they don't know Christianity is about, but aren't looking for courses and events; they want teaching and love that works with family life and bed/bath times. In all honesty, I lost my temper too - the strain of being the lone 40 something as a natural extrovert who likes to talk to everyone put enormous pressure on me and on my friends; I didn't have the inclination or the huge group to buzz around at coffee times; I tried too hard and I lacked self-control over my mouth. Being constantly and politely frozen out was too much - it felt like being back in the worst days of school, not church family. I also felt my lack of family deeply in churches which talked a lot about being family (explicitly church family) from the front, but weren't being so to me unless I became a formal member by doing the course, signing a bit of paper, having an interview with a Church Elder, going to a midweek group and all this other stuff. The whole situation made me uncomfortable, shy, withdrawn and introverted and I hated going as I never knew if there would be someone friendly to sit next to or if indeed people would be friendly back, and I felt like every time I spoke as myself I offended someone. It seemed better to not speak and just to come and go, though culturally you were expected to turn up really early, leave later and go to the designated pub (which was a bit of a mystery unless you knew the right people who were going) after Sunday evening service. I hated turning up early unless I was helping with something because many people just weren't that friendly and would often leave me sat or standing alone as they talked in their noisy and closed groups; the panic of looking for someone I knew to talk to in a busy and noisy gathering was immense, and it was always a shock when someone did greet me in a friendly way. I hated the way many people either looked at me as though I was something they'd stepped in or through me; due to my background it turned out a lot of normal things about local church (like people looking very serious and not smiling, especially lack of facial expression and smiling eyes) and feeling pushed into corners or having my pathway blocked by tall chatting groups of guys was really triggering for me for reasons I've only just worked out. It was very hard going seeing groups of noisy people all being friendly to each other and newer people than me integrate easily into the church (mostly due to being a 20something, student or family and sometimes without being a formal member); but for me, more and more feeling that I didn't know anyone (in a place I'd been going to for 7 years) and where people would either politely say my name, talk about my job or politely not speak to me, but be animated with their group of friends, or interrupt a conversation to say something to a friend I was speaking to, but not speak to me. The frosty politeness and small talk was too much for someone who likes to chat deeply and have a laugh and a joke. Or the flip side, was someone I'd only just met intensely asking me lots of questions about myself as though we were at a job interview, but then they would clam up when I tried to get a flow of conversation going. At a friend's leaving do I chose to stay outside as long as I could - the thought of going into a room where everyone appeared to know each other really well and eating infront of them made me feel sick - I was bound to do or say the wrong thing (and would people who all knew each other even speak to me or sit near me?) I think I was always planning escape routes, trying to flee as soon as possible; turning up at the last minute and deeply avoiding the focus on getting super early to things. I was even living in a house where half of us went to the same church, but for some reason we mostly didn't go up together, though a friend would try when they could to support me. It felt like being back at school with popularity vs unpopularity. I could have really done with someone to walk me to church each week or look out for me, but this didn't happen - the short walk up always seemed to take the longest time; not to mention wading through busy, often cluttered foyers. Worst of all, it was all terribly polite - whenever I posted something that was 'me' (political or cultural) - someone from my local church 'family' would unfriend me. In applying for jobs, people I'd worked with at church events for two years said that they didn't know me well enough to write full references! (Maybe I asked the wrong people or assumed deeper friendships that were infact polite acquaintances, but still....)
I became over-sensitive to others and myself, expected myself to do or say the wrong thing, deeply felt inferior, an impostor, and probably read all kinds of things into the fact that I was in a church where lots of people didn't smile very much! More worryingly, I seemed to develop a reputation as unfriendly, rude, stand-offish, only wanting to talk to certain groups of people - purely because of the elephant in the room, I was in a church focused around age groups, and I didn't have an age group to 'belong' in; fundamentally I wasn't 20something or a full time student or married. By conscience and inclination I didn't get going down the pub after church every week - these actions seemed diametrically opposed to each other; my grey area said 'no'. There didn't seem to be another option. Nor was I fully 'wise'. It all became self-fulfilling - because I felt offensive and an offender of others, I seemed to see myself offending more and had even less reason to be around others I seemed to upset so easily. Every Sunday I pushed myself to church service and went through the motions and tried really hard, and it never seemed to be get any better or easier; whilst I watched others seemingly having an easy time of integrating, socialising, chatting, being acceptable. Anyone being friendly to me was suspicious because really, what did they want from me and why were they even talking to me anyway?
Further more, the age/status zoning at church was harmful - it created relationship ghettos. I ended up being pushed into being friends with super new people or those on the margins, which was fine; but I couldn't give them much of a welcome because I couldn't help them to know others in the church and as soon as they integrated or found others to talk to, remaining friends became a challenge. I've experienced something similar at other churches where the foci is on married couples or worship leaders, but this was an extreme version. Whilst it was nice to be the one to talk to everyone, to notice the people not being spoken to or integrated, it also felt exhausting - I had no choice - I simply had to be friends with those who would be friendly to me; I felt wearied of giving out so much too.
Lockdown and indeed my various surrounding noisy neighbours (19 months of outside DIY and garden landscaping with a digger at points, and a month and a half of garage gym bass shaking my home, plus three screamy families) were a blessing in that I couldn't physically go to church services any more, either in person, or online easily. It's given me a lot of time to think. Whilst I deeply regret having lost my temper and at times having offended (as well as allowing fear, anxiety and paranoia to control me and make me hold back from good things); it showed me who I was, the stress I was under, the underlying causes of things that were making me anxious about local church and where I needed to change. It also showed me how miserable I was in trying to be someone I wasn't just to fit in with a culture which wasn't very inclusive in the first place. I realised that whatever I did or didn't do, read or didn't read, said or didn't say would never make me acceptable - I could never change myself enough! I couldn't be like everyone else because I'm not - I'm me! Joining a confidence group helped me to start the work of truly being myself rather than trying to be culturally and socially pleasing, along with having been able to go to a non local, much more inclusive church prior to (and sometimes post-) Lockdown. I've tried discussing this with leadership 3 times at my local church, but my life events or not quite being heard has got in the way. Local church is very well meaning, but also 'well, we can't help everyone'. The choice is either to keep moving on or stay put. The deep challenge for me is now coming out of Lockdowns, in that I need to move forward - but which way is forward? I don't want to be a female vicar or bishop - I believe in male leadership - but finding good teaching and friendly church together seems impossible to get, apart from my non local church. Choice seems to be a non-choice - friendly, but not great teaching, or not so friendly to everyone, but good teaching.
Trying in all of this to not go full Miley! and to come out of all these experiences, kinder, more gracious, to put off bitterness, to forgive, to be more watchful of my mouth and words and more loving, to be someone who uses the voice they've been given well and in peace, on and offline. In all honesty, I do want to go to physical Church services, I want to be around other Christians, I don't want to be a solo Christian - but Church - you could do better?!!! For a start, just stop calling singles single all...the...time...
In writing this, I'm encouraged. Jesus was 30s-40s singles niche too - perhaps the ultimate, and his peers/family/friends/community often rejected and completely misunderstood Him too; there was no obvious place for Him. Whilst I don't want to get a Messiah complex, I'm glad that He gets it and is with me.
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