Culturally Easing Out of Lockdown - It's a Whole New World

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

I didn't expect to find easing out of Lockdown so hard; it's been a surprise and a struggle. I'm not sure whether it's the uncertainty of what I'm aiming towards; the issue of planning when everything and anything could change abruptly or the fact that the easing of Lockdown regulations in the UK are scrappy, and sometimes you have to work them out for yourself.

I have been furloughed (or whatever the equivalent word is for the self-employed working from home) since March. Trying to interpret the rules and regulations as to whether I can teach face to face in my home has been *interesting*, as it's very different compared to schools and colleges, and difficult when a client is practically biting my arm off with keenness to start again. Having interpreted the rules, which can often be quite contradictory when you read them, it looks like we can start again in September and I have visors at the ready!

Using public transport for leisure is an even thornier conundrum. Those who rely on public transport seem to have been entirely forgotten - the rules seem to be don't travel, wear a mask, don't travel! This new world is set up for car drivers and car drivers alone; and I am envious of those able to go to drive-in movies, Bollywood, anything. And yet at the same time with Leicester, care homes and a farm in Herefordshire still suffering with virus outbreaks, it isn't over as it is in New Zealand and yet we seem to be being encouraged to act and indeed acting like it is. I am struggling to understand the rush to get back to normal and perhaps proceeding with extra caution. In part this may be due to my unique circumstances, self employed, working from home, able to stay home safely and access all that I need from home; unlike others who are on the frontline, without easy access to a garden or green spaces, healthy food, WIFI, what they need or squashed in at home, schooling or struggling to access enough data or devices. Also I don't want to go back to 'normal' - I hope that the searchlights that have been thrown on our society on how we treat those doing essential frontline tasks, each other and cultural/ethnic differences will bring change and yet seems that we might rush to forget and go back to how things were before.

It's been a weird time - I've been swamped by feeling immense grief for all the suffering and hurt in the world, and had to turn the news off as it just fed these feelings, As a Christian I wonder if God was showing me something of His heart for this hurting, suffering world at this time - it's been hard to pray and I'm really trying to use my words and platform (such as it is) positively, trying to avoid instantly reacting and banging out a post. It is hard in this very online, reactive world but I do want to try to be different, to really learn and listen at this time from a range of different voices.

Connection has been hard although there are an abundance of means, if you have the WIFI, tech and data. I've discovered that I don't like Zoom rooms or suites - it's hard and tiring looking at lots of little boxes. They make me hyper-vigilant - I notice the lighting, the shadow, the positioning, fashion, hair styles, placing, background, details, details, details. Although Zoom is more straightforward and adaptable, for me, Microsoft Teams is easier on the eye and brain - you bounce back and forward in conversation, only seeing one person at a time and it feels more natural than Zoom. Webinars on Zoom and Crowdcast are ok tho; I've started to turn myself invisible and mute for gigs and lectures as I can then sneak around and get a coffee or tidy up or cook! Although these tools make me go 'argh' to an extent, they are a marvel and I'm grateful for them - it's been so helpful to be able to whizz around the world to New York for National Arts Club lectures; watch live theatre or enjoy a Playbox Theatre Chatterbox with some starry interviewee; fangirl Lucy Worsley and Historic Royal Palaces or expand my mind with RI or Royal Geographic lectures, or enjoy some jazz, ballet, opera or rap. Online church is a good thing tho, and I'm grateful that we can still gather at this time, especially on YouTube! and that I'm able to go to Christian events and teaching sessions which make me think.

My wiring seems to be different to others - I've struggled with the need to have fun and play whilst I feel the need to mourn and grieve for all the hurt of the world. Maybe it's because I don't have family; maybe I'm just differently made. Seeing the Tik Toks, gardens, baking, flour bag photos and more, although fun, have just grieved me all the more thinking of those for whom 2020 is definitely not fun - those in care homes; those in hospital; the sick, the ill and the truly isolated - those without data, WIFI or devices and those in old style blocks with one shared lift, lots of push buttons and maybe not a safe balcony or easily accessible green space, and thin walls between neighbours. And yet, through online gigs, art tours, cultural moments, dance and exercise classes, cooking (even trying out some slow cooker recipes), there have been good moments of wider community connection and beauty.

Living where I do has been a struggle. In a very British way we're all fenced and walled off from each other where I live - sadly as we ease out of Lockdown I feel much less community not more, I don't even like the city I'm living in any more. It's been hard to do purposeless, pointless government sponsored walks to basically the same three green spots (although I'm grateful to have them), and using my own garden has been challenging due to families with locked in screaming kids and as I write 17 weeks ongoing of outside DIY - banging, drilling, hammering, stone cutting. In addition, the house over the road turned its garage into a gym and blasted out bangers for two hours at a time during the day or in the early evening for a month and a half. Tho opening up schools has significantly reduced the screaming meltdowns and the megaphone voice of one small child, and the garage gym seems to have stopped - but after 17 weeks of one and a month and a half of another, I'm gibbering. It's been unfortunate to not see my neighbours during this time; even in the times of clapping for the NHS most people seemed to be in their back gardens and not at the front of their houses. To highlight the impact 17 weeks of DIY has had on me, in a friendly way, I've had to put a note through a neighbours door, as we just never see each other. Again the booming banger producers have had to wait - the government said 'stay home, don't go out', and to even speak to them meant passing between two parked cars and going into a garage. Now a note seems more possible. Made me really think about those in apartments as families or with thin walls as I had a couple of occasions where it was so loud, it was thumping my garden, front room floor and rattling radiators. Sounds funny, but it wasn't - I am grateful that I didn't live next to them and thankful that they stopped by 9pm - no 1am party houses! My DIY-ing neighbours have had issues with another house having 24 hour parties and a local pub carpark being used for equally boomy parties.

Out of all of this, I've realised my need for deeper community and friends than I perhaps have. I've struggled with Zoom - groups, praying, Zoom anything, and maybe it's right that I should - I'm an embodied human being, not an online one. I'm aware that I've always had screen heavy jobs and always enjoyed social media, and having read some books, had significantly reduced my screen time pre-Lockdown. It made a difference - my eyes hadn't worsened for the first time in two years; I've found that I get headachey looking at Zoom rooms for too long. One to one is ok, but any more is a bit much personally. In vanity, I was also afraid I'd have David Bowie hair by now - thankfully this has not happened! (although you do need to get your positioning and lighting right!)

As Lockdown eases, it's been a shock to realise that the majority of my friends are outside of the city, or fall into the vulnerable, pregnant, new baby categories, or are just busy with their families, lives and churches. A bubble or group meeting up just isn't possible at the moment - and I wonder in this new world, how new friendships or dating are even possible, or is this it - are we stuck as we are? It's hard to share my noisy neighbour issue when I know that people around me are having a much worse time than me, and I've struggled to get involved with the community things on offer when so much is based in Zoom rooms or goes against the grey areas of my conscience to do, like a themed meal/dress up on a Friday or an online pub trip. Again, my wiring is showing up and it's very different.

The learning has been painful - I've become aware of attitudes and behaviours I need to work out, but also as this eases that I need community and better, deeper friendships. Is my wiring the issue (always thinking and seeing differently) or is my life stage not matching my friends, or my lack of driving the problem? The pushing from high profile quarters to meet physically has been scary, especially given the examples of some American churches, and even UK choirs and pubs where COVID has spread. I struggle to get behind the Blitz spirit and Churchillian rhetoric - I am scared, and rightly so, perhaps. I pick up every cough and sniffle in the winter; am borderline asthmatic; use public transport and being an extrovert, uber people person probably expose myself a lot by being in large groups for church meetings, concerts, gigs, theatre and cinema trips, outdoor cinema and theatre, anything. Also we're opening up when the virus hasn't gone away, and where and how we meet concerns me - church in a park I can do, church in a building maybe not so much. It's also a grieving time as we can't sing, can't talk to each other, can't sit next to each other, can't hug or even shake hands - rightly so, but as a people person, not being able to do all these things I esteem all cut like a knife. And yet, I don't want to go back to 'normal' - I do want to learn and grow, to learn from what God is showing me and everyone at this time.

Frustratingly I've failed to volunteer for anything meaningful at this time. A local foodbank and I played telephone tag without achieving contact - and I decided a two bus journey there and back was perhaps foolishness. NHS volunteers and a city wide local initiative seemed to want drivers. Signed up to Age UK as a telephone befriender - a month in, they're collecting my references. I feel frustrated as Birmingham and London are crying out for volunteers - churches and others are making meals; masks and scrubs; delivering food and essential supplies; collecting medicines, and here...not so much. At last, it looks like I will be part of a team supporting those in care homes in September (as and what that looks like - who knows?) But I really want to do something as our elders and those who care for them and frontline workers in general have been treated disgracefully during this time - I really desire to bring some love and hope at this time to the most vulnerable and perhaps forgotten.

Coming out of Lockdown feels very different for me compared to others - due to the public transport issue, I've had to make a call and look forward to a couple of days going to art galleries in August, A beach trip, meeting in a group of two or six or going on holiday feels too much at the moment. Part of me wants to sell up as the house I have is eating money, I don't like the city I'm in and increasingly it feels like you need to be a car driver in this city to get anywhere interesting or beautiful. Through photography, I've forced myself to look for the beautiful and try and get out, but I do miss quirky architecture, London parks, funny little side streets, unexpected parks and squares, the sea...Again I'm aware that I need to start saving and working, and how much the house is eating into my savings long-term, and with recession on the horizon... Given the amount of shared surfaces and facilities here currently and Mr Darcy's failure to show up (perhaps he is taking social distancing to extremes!) I wonder if downsizing is the answer. The lack of community in my area has grieved me, although I belong to a local Residents' Association, nothing has happened, and the mixture of family, rented and empty rented housing plus British traditional design hasn't helped. It's not awful but it is sad.

It's not all doom and gloom tho - tho I am living alone (da da dum) there is texting, messaging, a whole host of ways to connect - it's exhausting tho and I feel less and less inclination to be tapping, swiping or looking at screens. It's been hard to answer those who've pointed out that I'm living alone (cos Lockdown - too late really!) or those who've asked what I'm doing during Lockdown (what even is the word for the self-employed being furloughed?) It is all kind and well-meaning but things have been overwhelming and breakneck speed and I can't even being to express what I'm feeling now.

Long term or maybe even short term things need to change - noisy neighbours; my road feels really noisy and trafficky now with lots of lost extras from Fast and Furious rollin' up and down; I seem to be much more sensitive to noise that before - my neighbours kids give me ongoing headaches, I can't get away from the noise, shutting the windows on hot days seems a rubbish option: also seeking out community and thinking about how I do friendships. Downsize? Move city?

I want to end; in gratitude. As a Christian I'm grateful for online church and seminars and opportunities to learn and grow. and pass on things. I'm grateful for friends who've dropped round or brought me treats; for being able to serve in small ways - looking out for friends, adding a friend's groceries to my online orders, for the wider expression of community in Olly Knight's Come and Sing With Me; for Pete Scazzerro helping me to think things through at this unsettling time; for those praying for me, and for the opportunity through some persistent emailing to serve and bless elders in this city - (there are 40 care homes, that's a lot of elders!) Exercise and online dance classes have made a huge difference - the positivity of PE with Joe has helped so much and made me really think about my personal fitness, even leading to some investing in a mat and hand weights so that I can do PE with Joe,,,outside! Dancing too has helped - I've learnt the Charleston; Salsa and Cha Cha Cha; (something which I can never spell but want to call Backatya - Bachata!) Bellydancing/Bellyfit; Streetdance; some adult ballet; laughed at Sitdown AJ's bobblehat moves and am slowly making myself do all the sorting, tidying I'm avoiding - especially now that the charity shops are open again! There is even a hair cut on the horizon! And you can get cream tea through the post!

Also at this time, online deliveries have been amazing; healthy food and the essentials for life have been accessible and I'm thinking more about supporting local businesses - going to the GreenGrocers has been a highlight as has getting meat from an online butcher. Really appreciative of being able to exercise, have a garden, being spaced off (although it creates its own issues too) and even as Lockdown eases out, trying to take every day as it comes and not run ahead with plans even as easing Lockdown seems to accelerate. Also able to read a lot - Bible and other books, and hope they change me and impact me, as well as opportunities to be part of book launch teams. Noise reduction headphones have also been a blessing, but long-term I'm not sure I want to be around such an increasingly noisy environment. Easing of Lockdown is not what I expected, but waiting to see what happens next!...

Postscript:

I listened to this, reminded to pray for my neighbours despite all the annoyances...